I think my parent shouldn’t be driving.
The driving conversation is the single hardest conversation in caregiving. It’s also the one that’s most worth having early.
Common questions
I think my parent is no longer safe to drive. How do I know for sure?
The clearest signs: new dents or unexplained damage on the car, getting lost on familiar routes, missing traffic signals or signs, difficulty with lane changes or merging, and other passengers feeling unsafe. If you’re asking the question seriously, request a formal driving evaluation — most occupational therapy programs and some state DMV offices offer them. A professional assessment removes the decision from the family conflict.
How do I get my parent to stop driving if they won’t listen to me?
The physician is your most effective ally — a doctor recommending someone stop driving carries more authority than a family member making the same request. Some states allow physicians to report unsafe drivers to the DMV, which triggers a formal license review. A formal driving evaluation by an occupational therapist provides objective evidence that depersonalizes the conversation. Frame it around safety for your parent and others on the road, not around what they’re giving up.
My parent refuses to give up driving. Can I take their keys?
If your parent has legal capacity, you cannot legally prevent them from driving — but as a practical emergency measure, you can disable the car, secure the keys, or arrange for the car to be unavailable. These are last-resort steps that should follow, not replace, the alternatives: physician involvement, a formal driving evaluation, and a DMV license review. Taking the keys without those steps first is more damaging to your relationship and harder to defend if contested.
Can a doctor tell my parent they can’t drive anymore?
Yes, and in some states physicians are required to report patients with certain conditions — including dementia and seizure disorders — to the DMV. A physician’s recommendation to stop driving doesn’t make the decision unilaterally, but it initiates the DMV’s formal review process. If you’re concerned about your parent’s driving safety, asking the physician directly is the single most effective step you can take.
What do I do if my parent is driving and I genuinely believe they are a danger?
Call the physician today and share your specific observations — what you’ve seen, when, and how often. Ask whether the physician can conduct or refer a formal driving assessment, and whether the state has a reporting mechanism for unsafe drivers. If there is an immediate and serious danger, contact your local DMV to file a concern. Document everything. This is not a situation to wait out or revisit at the next family gathering.
Driving is not really about driving. Driving is freedom, adulthood, routine, identity, and the ability to leave when you want to. That’s why families avoid the conversation, and it’s why — when they can’t avoid it anymore — the conversation so often goes badly.
The first thing to understand is that this isn’t a single conversation and shouldn’t be. Families who try to resolve driving in one confrontational sit-down almost always fail. Families who treat it as a gradual, multi-month process usually succeed, often with the parent making the decision themselves.
Start by observing. Ride with them more than once. Notice the specific things — reaction time, response to unexpected situations, lane discipline, judgment at intersections, ability to handle highway speeds or left turns across traffic. Make a written list. Patterns, not incidents.
If there are real concerns, involve their doctor. A letter from a physician carries weight that family members don’t. Some states will conduct a road test based on a doctor’s referral; some will not. Occupational therapists who specialize in driving rehab can conduct formal assessments that are more respected than a family member’s opinion — and occasionally result in the parent driving safely for another year, which is sometimes the right answer.
When you do have the direct conversation, lead with specific observations, not conclusions. “I’ve noticed you braked late three times yesterday, and missed the lane on the left turn on Main Street” lands differently than “You can’t drive anymore.” The first is a problem to solve. The second is a judgment to resist.
Expect resistance. Expect anger. Expect “I’m fine” more than once. Expect, sometimes, to lose the conversation and need to come back. A driving conversation that is paused for a week is not a failed conversation.
But do not confuse backing off with doing nothing. If your parent is actually unsafe on the road — not inconvenient, not slower, but a danger to themselves or to other drivers — you have a responsibility that outweighs their comfort. Families who let an unsafe driver keep driving because the conversation is hard sometimes watch their parent kill someone. That is the version of this situation nobody wants, and it is not rare.
The transportation plan matters as much as the driving conversation. A parent who loses their license with nothing to replace it is a parent who stops seeing friends, stops going to the doctor, and declines fast. Have the transportation plan ready before the conversation — ride-share, senior shuttles, family scheduling, a grocery delivery setup. The conversation goes better when what they’re losing has a replacement.
- Ride with them at least three times in the next two weeks. Take notes.
- Talk to their doctor about the specific concerns you’ve documented.
- Research a driving-rehab specialist or formal driving assessment — it’s a more neutral referee than family is.
- Build the transportation replacement plan before you have the conversation.
- Lead the conversation with specific observations, not conclusions or ultimatums.
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— the part most people skip, and shouldn’t.